Art or nothing.... .

So work has a funny way of getting to me. I have went from stressed, to feeling set-up, to being calm, to being stressed… I am just so ready for it all to come together.

I do feel that my life is slipping by and I am not following. Therefore I am going to take some steps to get it into order… It needs to be fixed…. So ya…

Exciting note. I am going to have LE prints made of a couple of my paintings and sell them. If it works out I will be in good shape… We will see, we will see…

World of love

My brother had an amazing wedding… First class if you ask me. I never would have thought that they would get married, but it was one of the best things I ever saw. Now most people I have witnessed getting married had any right to get married in my opinion, only because I had a strong feeling it would no workout. With this wedding I was confident they were doing the right thing. Wow, beautiful… So beyond that I am going to be purchasing a weekend home later this month. Charming… Charming lake property… A little out of the way, but with real-estate as it is, I can only look to gain from it. So that is the new in my life. I am also going to hold off on the city unless something comes up for a couple of months, at least until escrow closes so that I can hang out and help my brother as he just purchased a business and I am going to work nights and weekends helping him get it set-up and running smoothly… As a good friend once said “this is my life, and it is ending at 56Kps… “ Where is the high speed when you need it…?

Days pass by so fast

So I dont know where I left it, however it is still not resolved. It comes down to me realizing I could be happier, but not without alot. Let it slide I say... Let it slide... I will be putting in for jobs in the big citys in the next few months and hoping to find a whole new life... So if anybody knows of anybody hiring for marketing or management or anything business related or anything PR related or anything construction related, I am qualified and ready to move on... Thank you..
I will be back after my brother is married.... What a wonderful thing.... Congrats to them....

A decision had to be made.....

So I may or may not have been rash in my decision to post that email. As it turns out I had just been looking for something to get me back into posting and my friends email gave me that opportunity. I do however regret it now as I feel that everybody deserves a chance to defend themselves. My friend replied with an unsure answer to my questions, but he brought up some things I hadn’t told him yet. After I wrote those to him I got two words back from him, "Dump her..." So with that I felt I was justified. See My friend has always been an objective opinion and over all the years I have known him he has always questioned my judgement and defended the girls. And to be honest in the past I might have overreacted to things girls had said and done. This time he has been defending me the whole way through. See the things I left out of the email but sent to him do I feel justify his response and my indecision. It is harder for me to give it up as I am for the most part happy with her. What I am unhappy about is how naive she is. She doesn’t realize that guys are hitting on her and trying to be guys... She thinks that it is all innocent and that the guys could not be interested in her since she is "taken". Well that and the fact she has made a number of bad decisions. The biggest of which in my mind would be the having the ex over to her house and not telling me about it. See that was one of those times where I assumed I was being a jealous boyfriend when I got into the car after her acting weird to me on the phone. I drove to her house and found her ex's car outside. How I let her talk me into staying with her is beyond me at this point. Maybe the fact she did not take any time answering the door and her clothes were not messed up... Then again it took me an hour to get there so she had plenty of warning I was coming. I was forgiving that round. This round the coincidences are just getting too convincing. I think the point I am at is very simple, I don’t need the stress. Whether she is being good or not, I rather not have to worry about it. We (me and her) talked a bunch last night. In the process we forgot to eat dinner so we went to a local restaurant. The girl helping us at the restaurant was very nice, but shortly after arriving began flirting with me. At first I was thinking she was just being nice, but then she started giving me flirting type looks, saying things and saying them in a way that was obvious she was hitting on me. It even got to the point were she was ignoring the girl I was with and when she came up to refill my cherry lemonade which she did like 6 or 7 times even if it was barely empty, she wouldn’t even look at the girl I was with. Just me. She was extra helpful only to things I requested and did them before anything else, and if my girl asked her for anything, such as a butter knife or a box, it was ignored. We never saw the knife that night and the box only came because I brought it up to the girl when the girl I was with went to get change. Now you are probably wondering why I would waste a paragraph just to try to justify that the girl was hitting on me. Oh and by the way the girl I was with saw it and actually started getting mean towards the girl and all defensive. The reason for the paragraph is this, I should not deal with unnecessary stress for someone who doesn’t even realize that having (recent) ex's over to her house to hang out for house for hour is wrong. I can find another girl, one who can respect me. If I was single the least I would have got last night was a phone number, and to be honest the girl may have been hotter then the girl I was with. Why should I hang out only to be hurt sometime in the future. Well that is that and the decision is made.

Random Randomness

Quick survey... Try to be as objective as possible. Excerpt from email to person that knows parts so parts may be left out...

-Your new girlfriend has told you how much of an @$$ her ex is and how abusive he was towards her, she invites him to her house to hang out when you are not around and will not be around to hang out for multiple hours even though you asked her to both not hang out with him and if she was to see him to take a friend along.
-You come back from a weekend trip. You go up and hang out with her as soon as you get back. She is happy to see you. You go home the next morning. She calls you from work to see if you are planning to come to town. When you say "Probably not" she is like, "ok I understand", same way she said it on day her ex came over. You throw out the idea that you may come down, and then she is like "oh, I may be hanging out with darci, so if your coming down let me know so I can be home." Your vague in your answer but ask her to call if she is going out so that you don’t show up with her not there. Ok bye, talk to you tomorrow. You clean up and leave, heading down cause you don’t want the commute in the morning. Oh wait, "To start the second call off she was like I hate mall people. I was like what, and she is like "People think I am hitting on random guys." You ask her why she thinks that. She says her boss is like you were hitting on guys and asking them out but they turned you down. She was like what do you mean who told you that, and the boss wouldn’t tell her" That is what she said... So you are like ok, that’s weird why would he say that, she was like "I don’t know, I hate mall people." Also note "Marcus" has been brought up a few times in the last few times you talk to her, he being a friend you never met and up till before you left you had not heard of. Now he has came up multiple times and also in the sense of he was hanging with her multiple time while you were gone. So back to heading down to her place. You arrive. She is excited to see you. You ask why, she states she called an hour prior and since you were not home she figured you were coming over. You think to yourself, I told her she only needed to call if she was going and not going to be home. She mentions nothing of darci calling making plans but having to cancel them when she couldn’t get ahold of you. You try to let it go. She immediately wants to do you. You are not going to complain but confused about this sudden rush of excitement. After having an excursion she takes a bath. She calls you in. You are not interested in talking but she is persistent. She starts up on the boss and how he was saying she was hitting on guys. Your like "You are very upset about this, Why?" "Well my boss said that I should not be hanging out with guys and that it is wrong for me to have guy friends. What do you think?" You choose to not answer her clearly, but make it known that you are willing to deal with the fact she has male friend, but are comfortable with her trying to hang out with random guys. She is still upset on the verge of tears and you are thinking what the heck. She keeps trying to bring it up. But doesn’t really say anything.
-Lunch time. You go to visit as you do daily. She claimed in the morning, that she would have a lunch for you. You get in the store and she says she doesn’t. Your like ok fine. You go get lunch, upon return she is chatting it up with guy across the mall from her in the middle. You stroll up and not too bothered as you know homeboy. However conversation is not interrupted by your arrival. She gets customers so she has to walk away. You talk to boy about stuff but just bs'ing. As customers leave a dude walks up. She chats with him outside the store, then takes it into the store. They chat for like 15 mins as she knows you are waiting to say bye. Her and dude keep looking over as if they are talking about you. Finally she calls you over. you go over and wait for her to finish chatting, awkward silence, dudes says bye see ya later and leaves. Girl finally looks at you and is like "what you doing tonight, you going to call?" Your like sure, and go to leave as you are just feeling third leg to random dudes. She is like "no talk to me. are you mad?" You state you are late and want to go. She keeps pushing for you to stay and talk but you know that it is not something she will easily understand and customers will probably interrupt. So you push to leave.
- So do you take it as all random consequences and not something to be upset about? Or do you accept the fact you are tired of drama, and just let her know that whether or not she is hitting on other guys you really just don’t want to be part of it? Or do you sit her down and set rules and risk upsetting her by being that type of controlling which realistically you do not want to be, but are feeling forced to by her and her actions?

Im back....

Disappearing and starting over are quite often impossible to do in real life, however on the internet the freedom to give up on everyone you know and disappear without a trace is very possible. In real life there is the process of moving your stuff without being noticed, there is the changing phone numbers and also not going out where you may be seen. Realistically it is not very easy to do. Also in real life if you vanish there will most likely be at least one if not many people who wonder and ask, “where did he go?” Online is a entity at least for me that is separate from “real life”. In order for me to disappear without question all I have to do is disconnect and not log on. Does it work. Yes!… I did this quite unintentionally recently. Mainly it was work and secondly it was moving to another house with no internet. Upon return I see no missed comments, no missed emails, nothing changed. I did however try to reconnect to a very sweet person who I had grown accustomed to writing. This person although happy to know I wasn’t dead found she almost rather me dead. Not convinced of my helplessness in the loss of computer access, not swayed by my lack of phone calls to make up for it. Basically after I received a phone bill of over thirty dollars in calls for minor calls to her (stupid sbc and their overcharging) I became very disillusioned to the idea of a phone relationship. Now I am back, not really, but occasionally, and have found the life I had vanished. I don’t know how to get it all back. Maybe it doesn’t belong being fixed. Maybe I must forge a new life. If this was possible in the “real world” I would probably jump at the possibility, so why not online… I think I will… All old friends are welcome, but from now on I will only let you back in if you make the first move, other then that WELCOME NEWCOMMERS… I hope I can make this life fun and exciting for us all…